Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Blog? What Blog?
one step/one step/i stop/i take
one breath/one breath/warm sun
above/white snow/below
i breathe/i take/one step/one step
-Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer,
"CLIMBING THE RIDGE"
one breath/one breath/warm sun
above/white snow/below
i breathe/i take/one step/one step
-Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer,
"CLIMBING THE RIDGE"
Now that I have successfully procrastinated blogging about the holidays, the new year, skiing, Gary's birthday, my new job, Haiti and the orphan crisis, I am too overwhelmed to know where to begin. So instead, I will try to begin from the best place I can...today.
But perhaps it is best to account for why I have not blogged so feverishly as I have in the past:
I had a strange and actually somewhat terrifying realization on December 6. If only my life really was a great as it looks on my blog...or in my Facebook status. But when I looked into the mirror on that particular Sunday evening, what I faced was a woman, a mother, a wife, who was silently struggling with clinical depression for a very long time. Why it hits, suddenly, so hard and fast is something that I still do not understand. Having been 'mistreated' for the past several years with a rather pathetic dose of medication, I became diluted by the thought that this flat, sad, disengaged feeling was just my personality. But now, I am learning to realize that feeling was like a heavy, itchy, uncomfortable wool blanket that had become much too heavy.
Why share this? Mostly because I feel like it is something that needs to be said out loud. Under the weighted blankets of depression is a very lonely, silent, scary place to be. Throwing off those covers is almost just as difficult. I am now faced with looking back on the many memories I have from so many years and wonder what I missed. Can I remember my wedding day with joy instead of criticism? Can I journey back to the first days I was home with my newborn girl and find happiness and not fear? Is it possible to remember China and the months after bringing HannaMei home without the inevitable confusion and panic that colored those precious moments? And more recently, the evenings hiding behind a glass of wine or disappearing from the world through naps that were hours long and yet never long enough. This all needs to be shared, because maybe there is someone else out there, or someone who knows someone, who can't get out from under those covers alone. They may be a child, a teenager, a friend, a sister, a mother. For them, to be surrounded by people who love them and still feel so very alone is hard to understand; for you and for them. It is a spiral that will start slow, but the spinning will hasten.
So, out in front of everyone, I am starting this year by saying, "never again'; whatever it takes to not be in that place again. Through the wonderful miracles of my husband, my family, my God, the proper medication and compassionate counsel, the lights are getting brighter in my world. My world is beginning to grow again. Change is the one thing I fear the most. But, as has been said, it is the only thing to count on...because it will come. But I must go after it. Make the effort. And now, everyday, I do.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Oh Tannenbaum, Oh Tannenbaum...
Last weekend we ventured out to find the perfect tree. Growing up, our family tradition was to join about seven or eight other families in the early morning hours and head up to Glade Park on the Colorado National Monument for a day of tree hunting, snowball fights (if we were lucky enough to have snow in the arid Colorado West) and hot chocolate. Once everyone had tree tied safely to the top of their cars, we would head back down to the Grand Valley for a huge spaghetti dinner at one of the families homes. It was something I looked forward to every year. Of course, when you set out into the unknown to choose your Christmas tree, you have to manage your expectations. Christmas trees are like snowflakes, none are the same, but beauty can be found. Ala, Charlie Brown. Love makes the tree, right. As an adult now, there are certain things I didn't know about the reasons that surrounded the infamous "Tree Sunday" each December. First of all, it wasn't until we lived in New York City did I realize how extraordinarily expensive pre-cut Christmas trees can be. I experienced an entirely new kind of sticker shock that year. And after paying the ridiculous price for a rather lack-luster tree, dragging it down a city sidewalk certainly was not my idea of tradition. So, it has been my goal to begin the Christmas tree hunt tradition with my own small family. Unfortunately, I have had very limited success. In nine Christmas's that Gary and I have been married, we have only been able to successfully chop 1 tree together. Our first Christmas was the NYC sidewalk tree; the next year the honors were done at Stu Leonard's in White Plains, NY while doing our grocery shopping. The two years were followed by a couple trees compliments of King Soopers, and Lowe's. One year we trucked up to Evergreen only to find that the U-Cut tree place was the same place that had trees in the parking lots adjacent to every street corner in Denver. So one year we finally got our act together and headed out to the U-Cut tree farm in the little town just south of us. As I recall, Hailey fell asleep in the car on the way there and managed to "saw logs" of her own accord while Gary and I drove up and row after row of pathetic "plains" pine trees. We found one, paid about $40.00 and had a perfectly petrified tree within about a week. So this year was going to be our year! I found another U-Cut tree farm south of us again, but a bit further (aka, Colorado Springs). It was going to be perfect. First of all, they had alpacas. And served hot chocolate. And had handmade wreaths. Who could want more? As we arrived we found that what this place lacked was anything worth chopping down and putting in our living room.
Happy to be at our destination, though, we were not deterred.
We were happy tromping around certain we would find that one tree nobody else had spotted.
We did our best to enjoy the llama's, but this was a bit disconcerting...
So we just looked and didn't touch...
Then we proceeded to try to enjoy our experience...
Walking and walking, and looking and looking...
But mostly posing for me while I played with my new camera...
(I know it's hard to look past Hanna, but look at the tree she is standing next to. Really? Really?)
So we paused, and posed, and then...
Found ourselves at the "petrified" Christmas tree farm from a few years prior.
All of these trees will be beautiful in about 40 years when they are finally taller than Hanna...
But tromping we went...and posed more for Mommy...
And enjoyed the view of Pikes Peak...
And looked at the old Model T's that were scattered around the property...
And, overall, everyone remained in a remarkably good mood.
Finally, after three hours and roughly 50 miles of driving a decision was made. We knew where to find the perfect tree...
Victory at last!
(Using our trusty Home Depot credit card, we'll pay no interest for the first six months!)
By the time we got home, unloaded, found the tree stand, and had the prize upright and perfectly placed in the living room...we all took a nap!
Next year, we will pay our $10.00 to the Forest Service, stop off the road on our way home from Vail, and grab a tree. I'm done over thinking this whole tradition thing...
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Please come to Boston
Please come to Boston...
I'm stayin' here with some friends and they've got lotsa room
You can sell your paintings on the sidewalk
By a café here I hope to be workin' soon
Please come to Boston...
Oh, Boston. My new favorite city. I am currently having a love affair with this place. Since we have been home, I have googled something about Boston almost everyday. The architecture, the history, the quaint neighborhoods...I could do on and on. I absolutely fell head over heels for this place. Of course, because I am all about 'music and lyrics', my next visit must be in springtime.
Friends from Cornell PA School
Justin and Christina with Colin (2) and Owen (10 mos.)
My new house near Bunker Hill
Warren Ave., Charlestown, MA
I'll let you know when we are all settled...
(yes...I'm dreaming...)
One if by land, two if by sea...
Dressed up for Halloween...Tourists, right! How did you know?
The historic Green Dragon Tavern...a revolution in the making
Halloween in Boston
Planning the next revolution...and no, it does not include health care reform.
Dinner in Boston's North End with the bride and groom, Kim and Kevin and the sidekicks...Sarah and Mike. What a wonderful night with even more wonderful friends!
Boston from the top of the Bunker Hill Memorial
Duck Island in Boston's Public Garden
Mr. and Mrs. Mallard swimming in the pond in the Public Garden
Mrs. Mallard with Jack, Kack,Lack, Mack, Nack, Ouack, Pack and Quack...and yes, I did that from memory...
Gary in the Public Garden
Live Free or Die...Fall in New Hampshire
Besides the autumn poets sing,
A few prosaic days
A little this side of the snow
And that side of the haze.
~Emily Dickinson
Gary and I had the chance to go away for a long weekend...
Mommy/Daddy time, great friends and a wonderful reason.
Lake Winnepesaukie in Meredith, NH is the quitessential New England small town. Beautiful steepled churches, quaint downtown streets, yummy "ma and pa" cafes. It was so calm and so beautiful. Thank you to Kevin and Kim for celebrating your marriage in such a wonderful spot! We are blessed to have been able to experience a small slice of God's heaven on earth.
Lake Winnepesaukie from our hotel room.
Wading through fall leaves
The original Mill Falls
View from Church Landing, the site of the wedding
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